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On unpleasant people
Mar. 2nd, 2019 11:08 pm One of my favorite things is language. It's super useful, as anyone who has needed to convey information can attest. It's also fun to play with, as I sling puns about with abandon. But, in the words of Peter Parker's uncle, Ben, with great power comes great responsibility.
All too often, the nuances are steamrolled and ignored. This is one of my issues with the usage of a certain word beginning with "r:"* If, in fact, your oven would have diagnosed as such when that word was in the medical lexicon, part of the reason it's failing to do what you want is because you are not working with it properly. Wait, you mean to say that your oven is actually just not heating your food properly and hasn't gained sentience? Perhaps you need a new heating element, or to make sure that everything is properly connected. Look! We might be closer to solving your problem!
In a similar vein, one of my coworkers is quite unpleasant. This coworker is also a woman. It would be simple to use a single word to describe her that has the added benefit of stripping away her humanity, but not her gender.
HOWEVER.
This term is also overused to the point of cliche. It is the go-to word when a woman acts in a manner that is inconsistent with what a man expects or wants. To me, its use means that the lady's problem boils down to the fact that she is a woman. How many stories are there of lovers who, when "their woman" expressed herself, will trot out this word? And what to cat-callers yell at women who spurn their advances? Some women wear this word like a badge of honor because they know being labeled as such means that they are fighting a good fight and making headway.
Were I to hear someone describe their coworker as such, I would wonder about the other side. Is this woman seen as direct competition? Has this woman gotten benefits or accolades that the storyteller wanted? What is the dynamic between these two people?
I am also often read as male, because our society is highly binary in that sense. Should I use that term, there might be a knowing nod from men listening, while the women listening would probably not feel as comfortable around me. I want women to succeed. I want women to have a voice. I want to have healthy relationships with women.
Instead, when I vent, I try to be more accurate with my descriptions. "This coworker is so inept at her job: here's the latest crap she pulled" or "I don't feel comfortable talking with this coworker because I can never be right if she's around, even if she doesn't know anything about what's happening" or "I should get this Captain America polo to wear at work because I always want to call out this coworker when she wanders around on her phone dropping the f-bomb loud enough for me to hear" or "Oh, man, the other day I came so close to punching this coworker because she kept following me around yelling at me." This allows the listeners to form a better mental picture about what's going on and why I'm stressed out. There have been people who have ascribed this term to her after hearing these stories, which is fair. I cannot control the conclusions other people draw. These listeners can also help me strategize ways to help me feel more confident when I'm around this coworker so I can deal with these issues in a healthier manner, or at least give me some legal advice about the boundaries of self-defense.
I also try not to vent to other people at work. Not only is that unprofessional, but I'd also be a hypocrite because I don't like it when she talks about me behind my back. (Of course, I would be talking about her when she's not in the room, while she likes to hold conversations about me when I'm in hearing range, but that's not really the point.) I don't want to let down First Lady Michelle Obama by going low. There have been times when I have partially defended this coworker's actions. It's not to the point at which I beat myself up to raise this coworker's standings, thankfully, but I have highlighted some of the underlying causes. One of the things that this coworker did was take on too much and not delegate well. Her way of dealing with this stress seems to have been to gather more power to herself by shutting people out and snapping at people who are trying their best to follow through with the limited information they have. This is classic burnout behavior and, while it doesn't excuse her actions, I can feel empathy for her, whether she wants it or not.
For those of you, dear readers, who may worry about me working in such an environment, let me assuage you somewhat. Things have gotten better. I'm not sure of the chain of command, but I know this coworker is no longer the volunteer coordinator nor the barn manager. The current volunteer coordinator is doing a lovely job and is much more approachable, plus she isn't an instructor, so she doesn't have the bias that the crappy coworker had regarding assigning volunteers to lessons. The current barn manager is able to recognize the importance of communication and working as a team and I also feel more comfortable reaching out to her. Both have inherited some messes left by the crappy coworker. Meanwhile, the crappy coworker is lashing out at a lot of people, more than just me, so people are coming to recognize that she can be a jerk.
As for me, I just try not to engage. I keep the snarky comments to myself. Having someone be sarcastic (and, in cases, somewhat rude) would definitely add to her stress. Part of it is somewhat fear, as can be understood from the examples given, but I also don't want to be a complete jerk and possibly cause an aneurysm, nor do I feel like expending the energy. I've stepped up when I can, so that things can get done around the barn and the staff as a whole can work as a team. I've also done what I've felt is the best thing by reaching out as possible and following the proper chains of command. Some things have also sorted themselves somewhat for the best, such as some of the horse lesson schedules aren't a tight as they were, so, when I'm inevitably running a little late, I'm not causing other lessons to be late.
A few months ago, I found myself making peace with the fact that that day might be the day that I cost that coworker both her jobs, as her other job would fire her if she had an assault charge filed against her. Things are far better.
*Other issues with this term include, but are not limited to:
--The fact that it is deeply hurtful for those who would have been given that diagnosis
--These folks, who are able to express themselves, have expressed that it is deeply hurtful
--I have not encountered even one person in this pool that have been okay with the use of it. Some may not address it, but there is still the majority saying "Not okay."
--The historical context is troubling and not worth invoking
--Your "language is evolving" argument is garbage because language is not a wild thing, but domesticated. We can cull the offshoots that we don't like so that we have a useful beast. (And, no, I'm not going to go into breeding and development of actual animal species. Just because aesthetics are often prized over health and function in animals doesn't destroy my metaphor completely.)
--This is largely used as a negative, while folks it would have described are not, themselves, bad
--As a therapeutic riding instructor, I should know better
--There are so many better words to use
All too often, the nuances are steamrolled and ignored. This is one of my issues with the usage of a certain word beginning with "r:"* If, in fact, your oven would have diagnosed as such when that word was in the medical lexicon, part of the reason it's failing to do what you want is because you are not working with it properly. Wait, you mean to say that your oven is actually just not heating your food properly and hasn't gained sentience? Perhaps you need a new heating element, or to make sure that everything is properly connected. Look! We might be closer to solving your problem!
In a similar vein, one of my coworkers is quite unpleasant. This coworker is also a woman. It would be simple to use a single word to describe her that has the added benefit of stripping away her humanity, but not her gender.
HOWEVER.
This term is also overused to the point of cliche. It is the go-to word when a woman acts in a manner that is inconsistent with what a man expects or wants. To me, its use means that the lady's problem boils down to the fact that she is a woman. How many stories are there of lovers who, when "their woman" expressed herself, will trot out this word? And what to cat-callers yell at women who spurn their advances? Some women wear this word like a badge of honor because they know being labeled as such means that they are fighting a good fight and making headway.
Were I to hear someone describe their coworker as such, I would wonder about the other side. Is this woman seen as direct competition? Has this woman gotten benefits or accolades that the storyteller wanted? What is the dynamic between these two people?
I am also often read as male, because our society is highly binary in that sense. Should I use that term, there might be a knowing nod from men listening, while the women listening would probably not feel as comfortable around me. I want women to succeed. I want women to have a voice. I want to have healthy relationships with women.
Instead, when I vent, I try to be more accurate with my descriptions. "This coworker is so inept at her job: here's the latest crap she pulled" or "I don't feel comfortable talking with this coworker because I can never be right if she's around, even if she doesn't know anything about what's happening" or "I should get this Captain America polo to wear at work because I always want to call out this coworker when she wanders around on her phone dropping the f-bomb loud enough for me to hear" or "Oh, man, the other day I came so close to punching this coworker because she kept following me around yelling at me." This allows the listeners to form a better mental picture about what's going on and why I'm stressed out. There have been people who have ascribed this term to her after hearing these stories, which is fair. I cannot control the conclusions other people draw. These listeners can also help me strategize ways to help me feel more confident when I'm around this coworker so I can deal with these issues in a healthier manner, or at least give me some legal advice about the boundaries of self-defense.
I also try not to vent to other people at work. Not only is that unprofessional, but I'd also be a hypocrite because I don't like it when she talks about me behind my back. (Of course, I would be talking about her when she's not in the room, while she likes to hold conversations about me when I'm in hearing range, but that's not really the point.) I don't want to let down First Lady Michelle Obama by going low. There have been times when I have partially defended this coworker's actions. It's not to the point at which I beat myself up to raise this coworker's standings, thankfully, but I have highlighted some of the underlying causes. One of the things that this coworker did was take on too much and not delegate well. Her way of dealing with this stress seems to have been to gather more power to herself by shutting people out and snapping at people who are trying their best to follow through with the limited information they have. This is classic burnout behavior and, while it doesn't excuse her actions, I can feel empathy for her, whether she wants it or not.
For those of you, dear readers, who may worry about me working in such an environment, let me assuage you somewhat. Things have gotten better. I'm not sure of the chain of command, but I know this coworker is no longer the volunteer coordinator nor the barn manager. The current volunteer coordinator is doing a lovely job and is much more approachable, plus she isn't an instructor, so she doesn't have the bias that the crappy coworker had regarding assigning volunteers to lessons. The current barn manager is able to recognize the importance of communication and working as a team and I also feel more comfortable reaching out to her. Both have inherited some messes left by the crappy coworker. Meanwhile, the crappy coworker is lashing out at a lot of people, more than just me, so people are coming to recognize that she can be a jerk.
As for me, I just try not to engage. I keep the snarky comments to myself. Having someone be sarcastic (and, in cases, somewhat rude) would definitely add to her stress. Part of it is somewhat fear, as can be understood from the examples given, but I also don't want to be a complete jerk and possibly cause an aneurysm, nor do I feel like expending the energy. I've stepped up when I can, so that things can get done around the barn and the staff as a whole can work as a team. I've also done what I've felt is the best thing by reaching out as possible and following the proper chains of command. Some things have also sorted themselves somewhat for the best, such as some of the horse lesson schedules aren't a tight as they were, so, when I'm inevitably running a little late, I'm not causing other lessons to be late.
A few months ago, I found myself making peace with the fact that that day might be the day that I cost that coworker both her jobs, as her other job would fire her if she had an assault charge filed against her. Things are far better.
*Other issues with this term include, but are not limited to:
--The fact that it is deeply hurtful for those who would have been given that diagnosis
--These folks, who are able to express themselves, have expressed that it is deeply hurtful
--I have not encountered even one person in this pool that have been okay with the use of it. Some may not address it, but there is still the majority saying "Not okay."
--The historical context is troubling and not worth invoking
--Your "language is evolving" argument is garbage because language is not a wild thing, but domesticated. We can cull the offshoots that we don't like so that we have a useful beast. (And, no, I'm not going to go into breeding and development of actual animal species. Just because aesthetics are often prized over health and function in animals doesn't destroy my metaphor completely.)
--This is largely used as a negative, while folks it would have described are not, themselves, bad
--As a therapeutic riding instructor, I should know better
--There are so many better words to use
